you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
