i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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