And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
