At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
