I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
