Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
