Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
