It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
