worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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