Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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