32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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