No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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