i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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