My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
