I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
