Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
