I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
