Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i wish my penis had a tongue
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
