I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I am never drinking with the goths again.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
