Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
