You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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