I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
