I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
