oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
