I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
