Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
