he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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