I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
she pinky promised me she was 18
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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