is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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