Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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