my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
