I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
