If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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