tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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