Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
