i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
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