someone threw a dead crab at me
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize