There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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