I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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