we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
