Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
