dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
