Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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