I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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