Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
