I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
