Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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