girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
