Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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