if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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