i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize