Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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