Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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