The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
