Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
