You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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