walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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