Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
