I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize